All this month, we’re publishing seasonal stories by members of CWC. This week, Ian Riddle puts a modern spin on a old tradition.
As you can see, I’m writing to you on headed notepaper this year. It’s alright, don’t worry; it’s only the one sheet. Daddy won’t miss it; he’s got lots. I’ve checked. I thought it might just help you be clear as to where I do actually live.
There seems to have been some confusion last year. Several of the bigger ticket items I’d requested weren’t delivered; only one or two. I can only presume you put them down somebody else’s chimney by mistake. By the way, what do you do if people don’t have a chimney? Becky doesn’t, they have central heating, but she still gets presents.
My presents list is on a separate sheet, with footnotes where applicable, just to make sure you get things right this year. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but my scooter, this last Christmas, wasn’t quite the colour I’d have chosen personally. It’s more the sort of shade my mum would have picked out. She’s not very up-to-speed these days on current trends, but then, she is starting to get on a bit. She’s over thirty now.
Anyway, enough chit-chat, let’s cut to the chase here; we’re both busy people. It’s already starting to get pretty hectic for me I can tell you. The party season’s beginning to get underway and then there are the Christmas cards to write and presents to wrap.
These are presents for other people, not for me, by the way. Now, I know I didn’t pay for them, Mummy did, but it’s me that’s giving them after all, so I think I should get a plus point for my generosity, don’t you?
Also, the fact that I’ve found the time to write to you should count in my favour, as well, when it comes to you handing out presents.
I know you have a lot of work to do at this time of the year but let’s face it, you don’t seem to do much for the rest of the time. Maybe you might want to think about your time management a bit more. My Dad’s been on a course, so he knows all about it. We all do in our house now. I’m getting pretty fed up with Gant charts, I can tell you. It was much better when he stuck post-it notes on the fridge. At least nobody bothered to read those.
And, anyway, you don’t do all the work yourself, do you? You’ve got a lot of helpers. I know; I’ve seen the films.
Why do Elves always wear green by the way? Doesn’t seem to show much imagination to my way of thinking. Not very Stella McCartney is it? They’re never going to win any fashion awards like that. I should hate to have all my clothes the same colour. If I did that nobody would know I’d had any new ones, would they? Particularly Chloe; Chloe’s my best friend by the way. Well, sometimes, though not today. We fell out at lunchtime, so I didn’t walk home with her after school. Equally, she didn’t walk home with me so, I think, the one cancels out the other, don’t you? I don’t think you can hold that one against me.
Anyway, to save you time wondering whether I’ve been good or not I can tell you, overall, I’ve been pretty ok this year though I’ve attached a spread sheet, starting from January if you feel you really need to check. Otherwise, you can take my word for it.
If you do check though, you’ll see I’ve added a comment to cell G24 fully explaining the situation with Chloe. Still, I wouldn’t worry too much about that if I were you, it’ll probably all be over by tomorrow. Emily’s bound to mediate; she always does. She should have a job with the United Nations when she’s older. She’d soon sort out the mess the Middle East. Bang a few heads together I can tell you. Emily can be very bossy when she wants to be, and she usually wants to be.
There’ve been a couple of blips in the year I know, but they’re all fully logged on the spreadsheet and being on the debit side I’ve highlighted them in red, to make it easier for you to pick them out. Let’s face it though, they weren’t all that major, not in the great scheme of things.
To start with, I’m nothing to do with Brexit. I’ve put that on my balance sheet as a big positive, under ‘exceptional items’. My Dad voted for it though, so you might want to review your options on him. Mummy voted Remain; she’s very risk averse. I’ve stayed neutral in the whole affair and speak to them both equally. Another point in my favour, I think.
Now, I do freely admit, I did hit my little brother, but it wasn’t that hard. More of a friendly tap really. Personally, I think he took a dive; he’s been watching far too much football lately. He needs to man-up more; he’s nearly five for goodness sake.
You should have seen him, rolling around on the floor yelling and squealing till Mummy arrived. It was also a pure accident that I’d trodden on his hand as well, while he was down. I’m sure I didn’t stamp on it as he said. Anyway, I only had my ballet shoes on, not my outdoor, ones so I can’t see what all the fuss was about. He was able to move his fingers again, well, pretty soon. I think it was overkill taking him to A&E. He’s going to be quite the thespian when he grows older.
I got punished for all of that so, hands up, I’ve put it down on the negative side. Equally, I’ve been honest about it so I’ve given myself a point for my honesty too.
I’ve also given myself another point for hitting him. I can see, on first thoughts, you may ask why and the answer’s quite simple. You probably don’t realise it, and I’m sure he may not see it at the moment, but he’ll be glad one day that I did hit him. He’ll find it’s all very character-building. Mummy’s far too soft with him. He’ll thank me in the long run, you’ll see.
I’ve also deducted a point for what I said to Grandma. She’s very old and wrinkly; really ancient. I asked her if that was why her face looked like a prune. Apparently, I shouldn’t have said that, but I was only being honest, and I’ve always been told to be honest, so I was only doing what I was told. I got punished again there so I thought I’d better deduct a point for it.
I’ve seen Grandma six times since then and I’ve never mentioned her looking like a prune anymore. I could have, ‘cause she does, but I was very good and didn’t, like Mummy told me. Because of that I’ve given myself six plus points, one for each visit and a bonus one for getting six in a row.
Right, I think that’s enough for this year. I need to wind it up anyway and you’ve more than enough to go on. Must go and get ready. It’s the first party of the season this afternoon and I haven’t decided what to wear yet. Which reminds me, any chance of a new party frock? Everybody’s already seen the ones I have. Chloe’s bound to be wearing a new one. I currently hate Chloe as you may have guessed.
Bye for this year,
Samantha, aged 6 ½
PS When you leave my presents, do you think you can remember to leave your email address as well, ready for next year. Better still, we could Facebook. You need to get up to speed you know, nobody uses snail-mail any longer.
PPS Don’t forget, I’ll be tracking you on NORAD again on Christmas Eve, so make sure Rudolph keeps up the pace. He must be getting on a bit; probably older even than Grandma and that’s pretty old. I’ve just thought though, if he is older than Grandma, then why doesn’t Rudolph’s face look like a prune’s as well?